Although I was a memorizer, I could not find Allah. I could not be like those saints. I could not even perform the salat, it seemed like a drudgery to me. I was very ashamed of it and felt remorse. Although I was a memorizer, the fact that I could not pray caused the reaction of those around me. I was seen as a bad person. "'O Allah! I can pray and deceive the people around me, but I cannot deceive You. You know my heart. I don't feel like praying. I want to pray from the heart, without any hypocrisy, just for You." I spent years like that. I was always unhappy. I used to say, "O Allah, why did You create me?" "'Cook food, clean the house. For these things? I wish you hadn't created me." My life had no meaning. I used to say, "If I die today, I will not be sad."

It was the month of Ramadan. I was constantly demanding: "O Allah, how can I love salah, how can this boredom and unhappiness in me go away?" I was watching all the teachers on TV, saying, "No, not these! I know all this, but I can't do it, there must be something else." My heart was never satisfied.

That Ramadan, while I was searching the television in my aunt's house, I came across a Hodja (teacher), and I was struck by his face and his posture. I thought to myself, what a noble and beautiful-faced Hodja. I had never seen him before. I felt a fire inside me. I immediately went home and found the channel and started listening. He was talking about Allah all the time. Then suddenly he said, "Are you unhappy?" I opened my eyes and said, "Yes!" He said, "Don't you like performing salah?" "Yes!" I said, "Are you in a fight with the people around you?" I said, "Yes, yes, that's exactly what I am!" It was like he was reading my inner world. I said, "So what do I do?" "It's very easy," he said... "Just one wish... To wish to reach Allah..." I was shocked. So that's it? That simple? I was a hafiz in a Qur'anic course for years, I wore a burqa, I followed all the rules, and I could not do it, but just a wish? Of course I was going to try that. I said, "What do I have to lose?"

I wished, I wished! I wished to reach Allah! It's true; I'm so happy! I can't believe it, O Allah, thank God! There was such a wish; it changed everything.